I wanted to have this be a longer piece, but I think it’s actually more of a feeling than something that can be put into words.

After I became a director for a music festival, and did some work for the Burning Man project, I became enamoured with weaving the burner identity into the woman I was becoming.

Brightly coloured hair, flow artistry, generally being ethereal and floaty were all things I was drawn to.

The feeling I have now is despite having some of those things, I don’t have it. I thought I did for a time, but lately it feels like I’m just wearing a costume others can see through.

It makes me sad, because I really enjoy those spaces. I’ve met some amazingly warm people in those spaces who are full of life and the kind of connection I crave.

But I also know when something’s missing. It might be that there’s some minimum boundary the wrong kind of trans woman doesn’t meet, and that thing that’s missing is gender affirming surgeries.

Or maybe it’s just the passage of time to develop that confidence all the burner women I know seem to have. Or maybe it’s just something you are, or aren’t.